It's okay to NOT be okay. How many times have you been told, "Keep it together man"…."What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"…….."You have kids, be strong"….Yatta Yatta Yatta…I could go on and on, right? Well what if you had just one person in your life to validate not only your feelings but tell you it's okay to NOT be okay? Today has been an extraordinarily difficult day. I write about difficult topics because they are even more difficult to speak of. I am a mother of 4…My oldest has Asperger's Syndrome, and my last 3 have bi-polar. My 2 middle sons were diagnosed fairly young. but my daughter didn't show any signs of bi-polar until the month of April 2009.
You're told that, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". However, there's times like now that I would disagree. You definitely can become weaker after battling continuous battles and especially if you're doing so alone.Through each writing, I share a piece of my private thoughts and our private lives. I do this because if it makes just one person not feel so alone, or perhaps strong enough to face another day or perhaps just another moment, then I feel as if it is worth it. I could speak on many topics, but today I'd like to focus on one.
We all know the song, "The first cut is the deepest". Well if I would write a song today, it would be called, "The LAST cut is the deepest". There are very few words to describe the pain a mother feels when you see your child literally carving up their beautiful body. I have a couple of coping mechanisms. When tragedy hits me personally, dissociation works well for me. Pretending that I'm on the outside looking in, is the easiest way for me to pull through. However, when it involves a loved one, especially my child, I kick into "fix it" mode. But what happens when there is NO "fix it" button to press? What do you do when you've become enemy #1 because you're the last man standing between the life and death of your child?
Here I sit in a children's hospital and guilt seeps in because there is no doubt that today someone has already lost their child, so for me to sit here complaining seems so trivial and petty. However, when it's YOUR child, the pain and fear are amplified. Monday morning as I attempted to help my daughter to the restroom along with the hospital sitter that has been assigned to us 24/7 due to self harm issues, lead to one of the most frightening experiences in my life. As soon as I closed the door behind my daughter and I, she began trembling, eyes rolling in the back of her head and down she went. Thank goodness I was present and was able to hold her in my arms preventing her head from hitting the cement floor, but unresponsive she was. I began screaming for help for what seemed like 10 minutes since the sitter had necessarily walked away from the other side of door. The crash cart was brought and a code blue was called. Thankfully, by the time they got her back into bed, she started to faintly respond.
So many things begin going through your mind. Too many for me to share in the limited word count I need to keep this in. For the past 3 days, we've been trying to stabilize my angel girl prior to transferring her to another facility that can address other factors such as medication adjustment and any underlying issues that may be contributing to her self harm issues and severe depression. A hospital is a very lonely and isolating place…..No friends, Few family and lots of time with just you and your thoughts. The irony of it all was yesterday was the 4th anniversary of almost losing my now 24 year old and burying his best friend who was only 17 yrs old. Four years ago, I was also alone without anyone to lean on or dry my tears. That's when "Exfoliate Your Life" concept was born as I've mentioned before.
You see, just days ago, I had a few devastating personal blows to my business and a few relationships. I was wallowing in what I thought was the worst. I was grieving the loss of not only businesses but the loss of friendships as well.
WOW!!!! Holding my daughter in my arms as she was unresponsive, brought me directly back to that fateful day March 5, 2009. when I decided that I would NO LONGER allow petty unimportant circumstances or people take over my world..
My final thought is there are so many chapels and rooms to behave the way in which society believes we should. I believe it would be great to have a designated padded, sound proof room where you can go and completely let loose, without fear of rejection or awkward reactions. "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"…Well, just the opposite has been proven to stand true. You can absolutely die from a broken heart. Without the will to get back up and continue fighting,,our organs begin to shut down. .
Find your own place to let go. Don't worry about what others will think. It is okay NOT to be okay.
Source:
http://www.womansinsite.com/2013/03/11/its-okay-not-to-be-okay/
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